I made a mistake today. I thought watching one of those "let's fall in love at Christmas time" movies was going to cheer me up. Nope. All it did was annoy and anger me. Now I'm sitting here fuming and that's not really how I planned to spend my day. Though, I do feel like rage cleaning may be in my future. I guess that's the silver lining, right?
Why did this one stupid thing ruin my mood? Well, let's see. I'm dealing with the holidays after a lot of crap has happened to me this year.
Holidays have been tough on me since my dad passed away. From that first holiday season, nothing has felt the same. Home isn't home. My family is more divided than ever. My own life is in complete chaos. And not everyone made it this year. The holidays just remind me of everything I've lost and I can't shake the feeling of dread. It just feels like the other foot is going to drop before New Year's. I'm not sure exactly what else could go wrong, but I should probably not tempt Fate. She's been cruel this year. Don't tell her I said that.
I thought maybe a feel-good, romantic Christmas movie about love and family would help. Not this year. I'm far too cynical to even let the holiday spirit into my soul. How am I supposed to believe in true love and being swept away by the gestures of someone you love when none of it is true? Everything is a lie. True love, fairy tale endings, good will, I used to believe in it all, but all this year has shown me is disappointment and sadness. I tried so hard and I fought so much to keep things together. It was all in vain. Nothing I did helped and now I'm sitting in my own personal Limbo, waiting to be cast among the flames or sent onward to something beautiful. I don't even know what to do right now. I'm frozen in the fear of it all.
This year was supposed to be different. Things were supposed to get better. This holiday season was supposed to be filled with love, laughter, joy. So much for that. Instead my health sucks, my relationship is in a downward spiral, I am completely broke, and I'm stressed and overwhelmed. Nothing turned out as expected.
So, forgive me if I can't sit and watch one of these sappy movies with you this year. I'm just going to take my self-loathing, cynical, angry self and hang out alone, that way I can't ruin anyone else's holiday.