I was one of those people who loved this time of year. Give me the beginning of October and I'm working on planning everything out. Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. How I loved Christmas!
I'd always make sure to have my tree up, Christmas movies on in the background working for weeks on getting all of my Christmas cards done. Weeks you ask? Yes! Everyone would get a card and I mean everyone. For some people this would be the only time we'd catch up each year but it would give us a chance to connect and catch up a bit until the next year.
I would be baking like crazy. There would be stacks of cookies, truffles, fudge, rice crispy treats, pies everywhere. I was set for parties and to give gifts. It was always a fun way to spend time.
But, I'm not that way anymore. I haven't been like that for years now. I don't know what's wrong with me.
I read a quote that said, "I mourn the person I used to be".
That's me in a heartbeat. I lost a part of me over the years. I've lost the strong, driven, fierce girl I was.
I feel weak. I feel useless these days. I feel like a burden.
I've been through a lot over the years. I've had to learn to deal with loss. I've had to learn to deal with change. I've had to learn to fight myself from self harm and suicide. I've had to learn to fiercly battle my depression and anxiety every day. I've had to learn to deal with pain; physical, mental, and spiritual.
I know there are those who have had it worse. That's why daily I keep this to myself and continue on surviving. But, some days I need to remind myself it is okay to be broken and hurt.
I have to learn to accept the changes that have happened in my life. I have to learn to accept myself as I am. But, it's so hard because I remember who I was. I remember what I could do.
I'm going to ask you to forgive me. Forgive me for my unfestive nature right now. Forgive me for the lack of enthusiasm. Forgive me for bothering you with my problems. Forgive me if my existence is a burden to you.
I'm working on forgiving myself for so many things too and really that's where I have to start.
Please just take a little extra time to remember you don't know what someone has gone through. Be kind. Be gentle. You don't know the battles waging within a person and your kindness may just get them through their day.