Norma Jean Dunning
Why Was It Always Me?
It was me. It was always me. It was me because I was strong; because I was like you. Did you think I could handle it better than the others? That may be true, but you should have known better than you do that to me. You knew what the abuse does to a person. You never thought about what it would do to me? Especially once you were gone. The others remember good stories and all I can think of are the bad days.
You remember when we had to throw out dinner because you decided to break the wine glasses. The reason you were drunk. Your excuse is something happened at work and we did something wrong.
You remember when you threw your keys at me and then made fun of me for crying. The reason, you were drunk. Your excuse, you didn't want to leave us behind.
You remember when you came after me with something. In my head it's a pan; it could have been a spoon, but still. The reason you were drunk. Your excuse I should learn to keep my mouth shut.
You remember when you trapped me under the bed and decided to continuously hit it. I didn't say a word. I just stared at my sister who was hiding in the closet. The reason you were drunk. Your excuse was it would be fun.
You remember when you kicked me out of the house on Thanksgiving. The reason you were drunk. Your excuse? I should know my place and if I didn't like how things were going in the house then I didn't need to ever show up ever again.
You remember when you were throwing things at my puppy and she was barking and I stepped in and told you to stop. I may have called you a drunk bastard. I wasn't afraid to get hit. Maybe you'd stop then. The reason you were drunk. Your excuse your other children didn't wish you a happy birthday.
This is what I have to deal with now, because we were alike and I could handle it.
Thank you for making me doubt my worth, my existence, my strength, my courage, my life.
I don't know how to forgive you and I don't know how to move forward.
Why was it always me? Why couldn't you just understand that I was there? I was always there. I would have always been there. No matter how many times, I would have still been there. Why wasn't I enough for you? Why couldn't I have been enough for you?
I was like you and that scares me now because I don't want to be like you. I don't want to do what you did. I want to be stronger.