Depression is Kicking My Butt
I've talked before about my depression and the trouble it causes me. As much as I like to say I've moved past where I was at the darkest hours of my life, this year has beaten and broken me down.
I know I'm stronger than I was then and I know that suicide is something I will fight against daily, what that doesn't mean is that there are days that crush my very soul and existence.
Today started off well. I had therapy this morning and my therapist and I talked through a couple of issues. Then she gave me some tools to move forward with making repairs in some relationships that have fractured. These are things that moving into the new year I want to be prepared for. I want to build stronger what was able to be broken so easily.
But then, my entire mentality changed. I took a nap and when I woke I was just so exhausted and sad. I don't even know what caused the switch. All I know is now I sit here crying, again. I sit here trying to grasp a sense of what happened and how to fix this.
I know a big issue lately is that I don't have any antidepressants to help the chemical imbalance in my brain, so the fluctuations happen without warning. I have only a month and a half, hopefully, until I can get back to my doctor and get my prescriptions back on track. Until then though, I fight daily against my own head and heart. I fight to remind myself I have a purpose, I am enough, I am loved. Each day I just have to take it and deal with what's thrown at me.
So, tonight I'm sitting here with my heating pad, Gentle Baby and Dream Catcher essential oils covering my feet, chamomile tea with honey in my cup, Once Upon A Time on TV. It was not the plan and that's okay. Tomorrow is a new day and with each day I show myself how strong I truly am. I've made it this far and that is actually pretty remarkable.
If you're having a tough time tonight as well, I wish you peace. I know how tough days go and some are worse than others. If you are truly in a dark place, remember to reach out.
Reach out to friends, Facebook groups, even the Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255, or text "Hello" to the Crisis Text Line at 741741, if calling isn't something you can handle tonight. This website, https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.cnet.com/google-amp/news/suicide-hotlines-crisis-hotlines-to-call-or-text-when-you-need-help/, has even more places to go for help.
Please, reach out. Don't let this be the last night. Don't let your family and friends spend the holidays without you. You are so much stronger than you believe. Take peace in knowing you are not alone.